I've been thinking a lot lately about my life. How I can figure out so many things yet still feel like I'm starting from scratch. I can master certain things and still suck at others. Or how I thought I knew what life was about or "what I'm like" and then be totally confused all over again. I had an idea to just write it out, so I don't lose it, so here it goes.
Oh before I forget! I don't believe I'm so special that my life is worth reading about, the main purpose of this for me is just like a journal. I hope to look back one day and remember where I was, and if some random person in cyberspace gets something out of it, all the better. I've just rattled off topics and I'll got into detail on each.
Becoming A Man
I can honestly say that until THIS year, sometime in the last few months I've started becoming a real man. I always thought the job, the house, the car, the friends, the whatever made a person a man. Like the fact that I was winning at life was a sign I was a man. I was lucky enough to marry a woman who is head strong, confident, and commanding. My initial reaction to this was to take a back seat to her. To keep her happy, do things "right", "communicate" yada yada. It was all bullshit. I was actually a great big pussy in my marriage. It wasn't until the marriage came to a crashing haul that I realized I needed to change, AND that I realized what was needed was for me to be me, have my way, have needs, not back down, not take shit, etc. With the push of some great mentors I started my journey into taking care of my needs. I did little things at first like take a day for myself, get a massage, float during a workday, etc. Eventually this led into me buying snowmobiles for myself, to do something only I enjoyed, spending money that could have been used for the family. In fact, on my way to buy the snowmobiles I stumbled onto this audio book: No More Mr. Nice Guy.
I've listened to this book about once a week since I found it. It honestly feels like it was written for me. It's SO CRAZY!! I grew up feeling like I needed to be something else to be liked and make things smooth. I always adapted to people for them to like me. The list goes on, and it really fucked up my adult life and marriage. Since I found this book I'm a very different person. For once in my entire life I'm being me, and letting people feel however they feel. I'm having my way, and not concerned with relationships lasting. Whats funny is how hard it is, BUT how rewarding it is to love myself.
I've been in counseling for 1000's of hours, and this book still had new things I'd never heard of that have helped me immensely. I also joined a local men's group of other men just like me, so I will never go back. Support is crucial.
I took up break dancing this year, random I know. The reason is I always wished I could when I was growing up, but never got the chance to. So as I turned 30 something I realized my body might not be able to do what it needs for long. Especially with the challenges of breaking. SO I started.... and I SUCK AT IT! I've never done anything quite so hard. It's crazy humbling and frustrating and fun all at the same time. I found a guy named Tanner Denney, who's actually older than me, but moves like a 20 something year old. Perfect, I want to be just like that. We've been meeting weekly and working on stuff. I'm just now starting to be able to do basic foot work. Staying humble is huge. It makes you realize how lucky you are to be good at something AND how to teach someone something who sucks at it. lol I've become a better teacher for sure.
Spreading the Float
We funded a documentary this year for $75,000. It's going to be based on my book: The Float Tank Cure. My friend Bridger Dopp is going to be directing it. It's actually PERFECT because I do my thing (talk, setup appts, connect to people) and bridger does his (script, shoot, create art). The perfect pairing. We started filming a month ago and it's going really well! I think this film will be huge and I really trust Bridger. We're going to go to Netflix with everything we got. Wish us luck!
Not So Patient Dad
Before kids I would have considered myself patient. This last weekend I had both kids all day and they were both sick. I found myself swearing, setting Parker in another room to cry while I helped Grayson, I think grabbed my head with both hands a few times and muttered obscenities, wow. I DIDN'T HIT THEM! lol But wow. Nothing pushes me to my end like crying kids. I was not meant to raise these kids from 0-10 years alone. I would make a shitty mom. lol Somehow too, the kids are still worth all the headache. When they are good and cute it almost instantly makes up for all the frustration.
So, what am I saying? I'm not all that patient. I need a break every day. Mom has a bigger kid job right now.
Practice Being Me
So I started a podcast called the ShaneTrain Podcast earlier this year. It's gone VERY well. We've had a ton of fun and I think some people enjoy it. We're getting 1,000's of downloads, even in our first month. I would say the best part has been being unfiltered, imperfect, authentically me once a week, every week. It's given me the confidence to be "me" in even more situations. It's seriousely like practice being authentic. And if you were reading above it plays nicely with my "No More Mr. Nice Guy" pursuit. The podcast has been a blessing.
Trusting the Universe
With kids, marriage, challenges, being a man, etc. I've really had to find a new belief to rely on, and it's been: Trust The Universe. When I look back at my life everything has worked out just about perfect, but it didn't seem like it was during the events. For instance when I lost my mind in LA, how could that make any sense? Now it's turned into a better life with a float tank business, a book, and better self care. Talk about a win! But it only seemed horrible and painful during it. So..... I'm really focusing on "trust the universe, do the best you can do, do all you can, have faith, let go of control, you'll be ok, you're a likable person" and let the chips fall where they may. It's actually less stressful, and hopeful than any other moto I've had. It's closer to "faith" than I've ever found in any church.
Understanding My Father
Every year I get older I have more compassion for my father. In a lot of ways I can see myself in him. I've realized that work is a good escape at times. I've seen how marriage is hard. I've realized how it's easy to lose patience with a kid. I've realized I don't know what I'm doing, and he likely didn't either. It's just weird. I spent a lot of years mad at him, and now I'm cool with him. Life is not easy, I understand. My life has worked out well.
This is my theme for the year!! Disappoint people!!! Hooray!!! and to be honest, I'm NOT disappointing myself and it's worth it! I run a couple business's and I can't be at them both all the time, that probably disappoints my partners. I need to have fun when my wife is home with the kids, that might be disappointing. I can't raise my kids full time. Business ideas conflict with friends business's, I don't have time for a meeting, I don't have time for an email, I'm not interested in hanging out with you, I'm quitting the club, on and on and on. I MUST be comfortable disappointing people. It's the only way I'll be happy, and like I said I'm not disappointing myself anymore.
Yes they exist, period. Have they been to earth? I think so. Do humans know our real pasts? No way. Does someone alive know about human origins, sadly yes. I pray that in my lifetime we get alien disclosure. I'm sick of feeling fringe or weird. This is reality. It's not a stretch. You wanna know what's a stretch? Jesus, and the bible. A story written second hand translated 60+ times for whatever the king needed to get done. Cmon. More science and aliens, with a twist of universal intelligence. God is not a man you silly humans.lol
Explained above, they are my selfish toys. I can't wait to ride them this winter. It was so hard to give myself permission to buy them. Special thanks to Philip Mckernan for the push.
My Boys Get The Best
I've witnessed spoiled kids, or kids that get anything from their parents. I used to judge them. Now I understand. The next 25 years are going to be me forcing myself not to give my kids fish, but to teach them to fish. Wish me luck. I want to give them the world.
Wasn't Meant To Raise Kids Full Time
Covered that above. Just wanted to reiterate that I was not meant to be mom, I'm not that patient, and my time will be taking the kids into manhood.
National TV Show
Prepping to be on a national tv show soon. It's going to be hours and hours of prep for a one hour recording. I'm not that nervous to be honest, as it won't be live. Not to mention I've put myself through hours and hour and hours of painful presenting. I've truly used exposure therapy to get over stage fright. I've earned my place, and my space. Nobody gave this one to me. Let's do it!
Coming To Grips With The Fact That I'm Awkward
Yeah like SUPER awkward. I've SUPER comfortable around certain people, but I have yet to decide who they are.lol Mainly I'm just this intense person attempting to be casual. I can feel people going "wtf " when we talk. I'm realizing I don't care and I'm embracing it. YES I'M AWKWARD!! Deal with it.
Having My Way
So it turns out I need to have my way a lot in life, marriage, and business. The world needs me, I have a special set of skills and experiences, and I should have my way a lot. This might read bad, but I've spent a lot of years working to make things "fair" only to realize later it should have gone my way. Now I'm just taking my way, and if someone has a better way we do that. No more tallying or helping people feel equal to me. Sometimes we're not equal. Sometimes it's my way.
Luck Or Work Or Both
I've finally come to grips with the family business Walker Tape Co. I've always felt so "lucky" to learn business and make a great income at a family business. I used to leave it at that. Now I'm taking some credit. I was a special person, with a special set of skills, and I applied them to a lucky situation and created GOLD. Walker is a beast, it's growing, and many people are benefiting. I'm just as lucky as Walker is to have me. Plus there have been others before me with the same opportunity, who have done much less. Shane, let this sink in "you've done a kickass job and you deserve good fortune. You would have done something great without Walker it just may have taken longer to complete"
Letting People Be On Their Journey
I'm always trying to help people "win" at life. Be it coaching, supporting, connecting, I'm always working to help someone become successful. Only problem is that my definition of success. Some people aren't meant to break records, create things, mark the world. Some are meant to be a great mom, brother, or dad. I've got to let people be on their own journey and quit measuring them by my standards. Work in progress.
Not Everyone Is Sensitive, Some People Need A Smack
I've been realizing a lot lately that not everyone gets subtle hints. Some people need SMACKS! Upside the head, with a tree branch. Yes some people will tell you they understand or act like they care, or pretend to be changing, but what they really need is a big ass wake up call in the form of change. Sometimes the best way to get someone to change is to get serious about leaving them or walking away. Words aren't enough. You need to be half way out for them to realize you're even unhappy. This goes for all relationships. Don't assume someone picks up on your subtle disappointments. Smack them!
Nice Guy Isn't Always Needed
I won't go on and on about "nice guy" stuff, but I will say that the nice attitude isn't always needed. Sometimes you need to be abrupt, abrasive, powerful, commanding. Sometimes the world needs a different version of you. Pay attention to how much you use these strong tools, it shouldn't be much, but make sure it's not never. Sometimes the world will require you to take a strong stand for what you know is right, and not worry about how it affects others.