So much of what I love push and appreciate in others is achievement. Also, positivity and a can-do attitude. I think these things I talk about lack impact without a clear view of the reality of it all. The reality is life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Much of what I do is struggle and fight. I live in a very constant inner battle of failing, pushing through, achieving, crashing, and repeating.
This is my reality. I'm hoping this is therapeutic for me, and valuable for anyone going through the same thing to relate. Here goes:
I crash mentally on a regular basis, and probably once a week I break into anger or cry out of shear exhaustion. I keep it together for most of the people in my life most of the time. My wife is the only one that sees the real me and it's not always pretty. I have moments of not knowing how I'm going to go on another day. I have moments of wondering if the world would be better off without me.
I've been on and off anti-depressants for years. Although exercise and healthy living keep me fairly happy, when I'm not taking anything life is harder. I go through a constant inner battle of wanting to do it without chemical help only to crash and reach out for help in the form of a pill, and usually the pill comes through. It makes me feel like I'm not going through the real struggle of life because I'm medicating it away. I feel like "ok you're happy, but you took a pill for it, what if you're medicating away your problems and not working on your life so you don't need them?" That always a fun thought.
I have a new son named Grayson. He brings me so much joy, he can take me out of an inner hell and make me feel like life is beautiful again. With so much joy comes my minds natural reaction "what if the world takes him from me?" I wake up almost every night in a panic wondering if he's been smothered to death in my bed. When I walk down stairs with him I imagine dropping him and breaking him. I think about him choking and me not being able to stop it. It's positively frightening and the amount of joy he brings me is countered with fear of losing him.
When I was 18 my little half-sister was backed over by a car and killed. It was so painful and watching my family go through this heart-ache has made me very scared of going through it again. I can't think of anything worse to go through now that I'm a parent. I'm not sure I could carry on if I lost Grayson. I'm not sure how my dad and step mom at the time went through it. Wow.
What about career? I'm CEO of two business's. One started by my grandfather in 1985 called Walker Tape Co. the other called Zen Float Co. started by my brother, William and I. Both business's need so much help, yet because I'm split in two I'm not fully coming through for either of them. It's so hard to take a gift like Walker where I learned almost everything I know, and not be there 40 hours a week. Instead Walker gets a split of my time. In the startup Zen that desperately needs my help I'm also not coming through. It only gets a smaller piece of my time and I watch issues pop up and I don't have the time to fix them. Instead I do what I can to lead other people through them wondering if it's enough. Wondering if the company fails was it because I wasn't able to dedicate myself? This brings me a lot of inner stress.
As I was saying earlier we have a new baby boy named Grayson, he's about 4 months old as I'm writing this. Having a child has been a huge strain on our marriage. We no longer have much time for us, and the time we're together is usually filled with the normal stresses of a new baby. Not much sleep, not much down time, not much relaxation. Don't get me wrong the baby brings us so much joy it's worth it, but it no doubt is changing our relationship. There nothing quite like getting home from a hard days work to a crying baby and crashed spouse. Making yourself keep it together to make life keep working. As our relationship goes through this stress it takes away so much of the loving feelings and turns things into a partnership at the Baby Raising Co. I know I'm not coming through for my wife and that sucks. We've been seeing a counselor since before we were married, it's actually more like seeing a relationship coach and it's so valuable for us, but it's hard sometimes when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you're tired, you're stressed, and you're not happy with each other. This is the reality behind the smiling photos, and I would imagine it's the reality for most marriages, especially with a new baby.
Wow, as I'm writing this I'm feeling much better. Ok let me wrap up this dark blog with some more of my inner conflict. Then it's back to sunshine and rainbows.
So much of what I've done has come from a place of insecurity. I have been hell bent on proving to the world (myself really) that I am worthy and I can do it. I've never felt like I'm enough for myself. I grew up with so much insecurity. I was always too short, too small, to slow, not as good as others, not as smart as others, and it really made me mad. Nothing I have ever done has brought me peace. It brings me closer to peace, and I'm working to leave my insecurity fuel and switch to a place of doing great things to help people, and have a great impact on the world. It is happening, but it is taking time.
What if I pass my mental garbage to my son? It's scares me. I've will keep working to improve myself and my life because he will learn more by watching me than listening to me.
Wish me luck.